Radiance

Radiance

A Sermon to Countryside Church, Unitarian Universalist

The Rev. Dr. C. Scot Giles

May 24, 2020

Back when our congregation routinely met in person, we’d end our worship with something Rev. Hilary calls “Sharing the Light.” When we do this I typically grumble and say something along the lines of “what she said.” For a while I would instead look at the people around me and say “the weirdness in me honors the weirdness in you.” But on the whole that didn’t go well as people began to look at me with alarm.

My grumbling about this is because I am a highly introverted person, something of a curmudgeon and I don’t like being told what to do. However, I don’t dispute Rev. Hilary’s idea that people do have an inner light and that it is good to be reminded about this. My sermon today is about that inner light, although I reserve the right to continue in my curmudgeonly grumbling.

The Ripple Effect

Those of you who know my ministry know that I am a Board Certified Consulting Hypnotist specializing in medical work. In the system of hypnotism I practice there is something we call the “Ripple Effect.” That is, when you start working with a client on some issue you open a door to the unconscious mind. Our unconscious minds are vast and deep, and also basically benevolent. It wants to help one. So when the hypnotist opens that door, the mind will use it for other things.

For example, I may be working with a client to bring excessive weight down. That gets accomplished, but other things start to happen too, as the positive change about weight loss ripples out and causes other positive changes. Relationship or occupational issues may get resolved, mood may elevate, energy levels soar - despite the fact that none of these things were ever addressed by the hypnotism. 

That why being a medical hypnotist also makes me into a life coach. Change started in one area of a client’s life quickly generalizes.

Where the human mind is concerned, you can never do just one thing. Everything is connected to everything else. Every action creates multiple reactions.

This is true about our interactions with other people as well.

Radiance

If you behave toward other people in a kind and generous way, you set an example that encourages others to do the same. That’s your radiance. A positive energy you project into the world by the example you set. 

However, it works in reverse too. If you decide to act like a creep, you legitimate that kind of behavior for others. That’s why current Presidential example has had the effect of coarsening our civil life together as citizens of a Republic, and I fear his negative radiance will be affecting our nation for many years.

In the 1920s there was a pidgin saying that came from the folklore of Mali in West Africa. It was “Monkey see, monkey do.” What that describes is the tendency among monkeys and those who share a common evolutionary ancestor with them like us, to mimmic the behavior of others. It refers to a process where a creature repeats the behavior it has observed, without really understanding why, or understanding the consequences of that behavior. 

So if you are raised by racist parents, you will probably have a tendency to become racist yourself, as your parent’s dark radiance contaminates you. Ditto for gender, political or any other form of intolerance. It’s why people who grow up in a home where lawlessness is accepted (for example, the members of the family routinely shoplift or deceive), typically are prone to that behavior themselves. 

We are mammals. We are born in a relationship and are pre-disposed to have relationships all our lives. That’s part of the reason why so many resist social distancing even during the time of a global pandemic. It’s also the reason why when someone is in jail, the threat of solitary confinement is the worst punishment you can threaten someone with. People would rather risk bodily harm that have no contact with anyone for a long period of time.

To me, the ethical implication of this is that we all have a moral imperative to improve our weaknesses and to enhance our strengths, because none of us is ever alone. What we do affects others and so there is a responsibility to consider how our behavior affects the larger whole. Bettering yourself, betters others. 

While it is absolutely clear that none of us can successfully control others, we certainly do influence them, and they in turn carry on our influence by those that they influence. Your radiance, for good or ill, shines on.

If you are unenthusiastic about a project, your negative radiance drains your team of energy. If you’re in a bad mood, you radiate that and then reap the result when your partner sits across form you at dinner in silence.

It seems to me that we have two choices about our radiance. First, we can just ignore it and let things fall where they may, reacting as things happen. However, I think such an unreflective life misses the mark. 

Second, we can become at least somewhat intentional about how we respond, and try to shape our radiance in a way that serves us and others well.

I have kept a journal since I was fifteen years old. While I recognize that this method is not for everyone, I have found it enormously helpful in my own evolution. I find that getting things out of my head and onto paper helps me avoid thinking about things one way and acting in another. Its a form of self-accountability.

Perhaps you can think of a way to do this for yourself. I’m told that meditation often works, especially if done as part of a group or under the guidance of a Spiritual Director. I imagine that simple, reflective, deep conversation could be another.

Awareness

As I pondered all of this I realized that just as it’s important to be aware of what we are radiating out into the world that might influence others, it is equally important to be aware of what others around us are radiating. Just as we affect others in ways we might not be aware of, we are also affected by them.

There is a saying by minimalism advocate Joshua Millburn that “you can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.”

What he means by that somewhat confusing sentence is that while it’s foolish to think you can cause other people to change at your request, you can choose to change the sort of people you surround yourself with. That’s a wise strategy because we are influenced by others just as we influence them. It’s wise to be intentional about that.

One of the truism of addictions counseling is that no one has ever successfully changed seriously dysfunctional behavior if they don’t also change who their friends are. Even if what you are doing is actively harmful to yourself, the people around you will continue to expect you to behave as you always have, and will subtly sabotage your efforts at change - doing what Murray Bowen, the founder of family therapy in America, called “change back maneuvering.” 

That’s why we should pay attention to the people we surround ourselves with. This is not to say we should seek out only people who agree with us - in fact the most prized friendship of every successful person I’ve ever met has been the one with someone who will tell you something you do not want to hear. But you want to be around people who are good for you, in the sense they are aligned with your values and goals. 

The best way to improve your own radiance is to be in the radiance of compatible others. It’s wise to build an awareness of that so you do not miss cues. Ask yourself “does this person make me a better person?” Run with the people who want you to succeed. Do you have an emotional vampire in your friendship circle. If so, why do you allow that? No one is going to be on your side if you are not.

Every year Lindsay and I make it a point to review our friendships and make intentional decisions about how they are going, whether adjustments are needed or if the relationship is complete and we need to move on. It’s not smart to let that sort of thing happen by accident.

Families

The problem with this is that we are born into families. Now, sometimes that is a great thing. I watch my wife’s emotional and psychological development and see that the seeds of it were rooted in a basically happy and supportive childhood family system. I recall my own very different upbringing and realize how easy it is for a young person to became a victim of a family system that never should have involved children in the first place. 

I mentioned Dr. Murray Bowen earlier in connection with family  therapy. He had a light-hearted definition of the family that strikes a cord with me. He said “the family is a seething cauldron of pathology, from which with a lifetime of effort, one might partially extricate oneself.” 

That’s certainly not true of all families. It was most definitely true of my own. 

In the art of family therapy there is something called a “genogram.” It’s a chart of the family, but it goes deeper than a simple genealogy. A genogram lists relationships, their outcomes. A well-drawn genogram includes education, major life events, occupations, social relationships, disorders, alliances and living situations.

Whenever anyone creates their family’s genogram it is always a startling experience, which is why if you want to do this you should obtain expert help.

What quickly becomes obvious from a genogram is that families tend to repeat themselves. Time and again, patterns that family members thought were unique to their lives turn out to be patterns and rituals that have been repeated many times down through the generations.

As some of you know I broke with my family-of-origin at a young age, basically I ran away. While I would eventually recontact the family I did so only from a distance and only as little as possible. I thought that was my unique story.

Heck no.

The only time I spent more than a few minutes with members of my extended family was when I returned to Connecticut to officiate at my mother’s memorial service. I didn’t think I owed her that, but it was her request and I try to be a generous person. 

At the lunch afterward - remember this was the first time I had spoken to any of these people in five decades  - I heard story after story of other family members who had also attempted to detach from the family and run away. It was a pattern repeated in every generation by dozens of family members.

The difference. Most of the family members who ran away gave up and went back. I never went back. I broke the generational pattern and that is why I am here today with my education, profession, happy marriage and health. When I did my genogram I saw this pattern as clear as day and I also saw the mistake so many in my family made. They went back into the dysfunctional radiance of an abusive family system and became themselves corrupted by it. 

You can’t choose your family. The luck of the draw determines if your family is an asset or a liability, but you get to choose how much you let that family system affect you by staying in their radiance, or choosing to exit by cutting ties or holding distance. You don’t need their permission and you don’t have to explain yourself.

When I say this to clients they often hear it as advice to hurt the feelings of others. It’s not. It is healthy behavior, not unhealthy, to avoid people who are bad for you.

Show me your friends and I will tell you your future. Show me your family and I probably can do the same, unless you make an intentional decision to decide the radiance you surround yourself with. 

If you are one of the fortunate to come from a family that was a blessing, good for you. You have the best of all possible worlds. But it you do not, there is still something you can do.

I’ve come to call the circle of people who I relate to as if they were family my “forged family” - created with intent and effort. The way a swordsmith forges a blade.

You  can act with intentionality to create the community you want around you rather than just accepting the one given to you by genetics.

You should be the one who chooses the direction of your life. my colleague Richard Nongard says, “There is a reason why when you get into your car you notice that the windshield looking forward is much bigger than the rear view mirror looking behind.” I agree. What is ahead of you is always more important that what is behind.

Compassion

The things I preach this morning are not easy. There is a way to soften them. Just as I have previously advocated gratitude as a lifestyle I also advocate compassion. That is how I feel toward the people who were bad for me and who I choose to avoid. 

Compassion is a sustainable emotion. It is not the same as forgiveness. We can be compassionate toward someone without agreeing with them in the slightest. Compassion simply means we are neither going to be nasty nor run them down. We may feel sad for them without feeling we need to rescue. Typically this will mean a decision not to argue but decline to be influenced. Negativity cannot be countered by more negativity. 

The other day I was grocery shopping and I saw a person who was obviously an idiot. No mask, no gloves, aggressively refusing to social distance to the point of deliberately crowding others, purposefully walking down the one-way aisles in the wrong direction. The initial response to someone like this is to confront them because they endanger others. 

But the compassionate thing is for everyone to distance, even though that is inconvenient. Ask yourself what the inner life of such a person must be like for them to behave that way. There is nothing I can do to such a person that is worse than what they are doing to themselves.

A seeker once asked a guru, “What is the secret of happiness?” The guru replied, “never argue with fools.” “Well,” said the seeker. I absolutely do not agree with that” “You are right,” said the guru.

Focus is Fuel

The most natural way to develop the sort of radiance you want to have is to pay attention, not only to the people you surround yourself with, but also what you choose to focus on. Like it or not your focus is fuel for your unconscious life. What you focus on tends to happen.

Therefore, it is smart to support the person you want to be by not entertaining things in your mind that drag you down. As it says in scripture, “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Philippians 4:8, ESV). 

We are all living through a very difficult time. I’ve actually counseled clients to “fast” from the news. Don’t get sucked into the endless negativity of the twenty-four hour news cycle. In social networking many of us have had the experience of “unfollowing” someone who subjected us to comments or attacks that were not enhancing. So we unfollowed them. Unfollow negativity everywhere you find it.

It can be subtile. As I’ve said from our pulpit before, your unconscious mind hears everything you say. Therefore, don’t spend time putting yourself down.

In a major study published in the journal Current Psychiatry, researchers compared people who were self-critical to those who were self-compassionate. The results weren’t even close. Self-criticism was a trans-diagnostic factor in a host of emotional problems, while people who were self-compassionate - who treated themselves as they would like to be treated, with a bit of forgiveness and appreciation - were everywhere more successful (Current Psychiatry, Vol. 15, No 12, December 2016)

The critical factor was two-fold. First, the people who were self-critical were raised in families who were controlling and restrictive. Second, they didn’t do anything about that.

We don’t control our family-of-origin, but we can do something about it by seeking out the experiences and people who will enhance our radiance and letting that energy overwrite whatever darkness may have been in our past. Look out the windshield instead of staring at the rear view mirror.

Or, as it says in scripture, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7, ESV). Note the number of action verbs in that quotation. I you don’t like your circumstances, take action to change them. Change the people, change the focus. Have a positive radiance.

And that’s my sermon.